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#Computing Definition%Access Time - The time between the instant at which information is called for, and the instant at which management expects the final report. #Computing Definition%Assembler - One who drops his card deck. #Computing Definition%Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad. #Computing Definition%Breakpoint - The point at which programmer increments past last bit available. #Computing Definition%Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desk, to speed up output. #Computing Definition%Checkpoint - The location from which a programmer draws his salary. #Computing Definition%Core storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples. #Computing Definition%Counter - An area over which martini's are served. #Computing Definition%Crash - What a detached programmer would dearly love to do, for at least eight hours. #Computing Definition%Default - De line west of which de state of california will float off to sea at de next major quake. #Computing Definition%Device - Medieval torture instrument such as thumbscrew, iron maiden. #Computing Definition%Documentation - A manual which tells you how to use a program, system, or utility one version ago, and which is now unsupported. #Computing Definition%Error - What someone else has made when they disagree with your computer output. #Computing Definition%External Storage - Wastebasket. #Computing Definition%Fixed Word Length - Four letter word used by programmers in a state of confusion. #Computing Definition%Hardware - Nuts, bolts, and circuit boards "left over" after repairman has reassembled cpu. #Computing Definition%I/O Device - Note you sign for the bank in/order to get loan for new (old) car. #Computing Definition%Library - An organized collection of obsolete material. #Computing Definition%Low Order Position - The programmer's location in the chain of command. #Computing Definition%Mainframe - Primary person who just got set up for the blame of the system crash. #Computing Definition%Microsecond - Amount of time needed for a program to bomb. #Computing Definition%Nanosecond - Measure of time on mork's planet ork. #Computing Definition%Off-Line - Uncharitable remarks programmer makes to wife or husband upon being phoned at 9pm to come in because system just crashed. #Computing Definition%On-Line - Programmer trying to deal rationally on phone with management at 9pm. #Computing Definition%Peripheral - Now you see it, now you don't... #Computing Definition%Printout - A document to verify data you know is wrong anyway. #Computing Definition%Programmer - Red eyed mumbling mammal, capable of communicating with inanimate objects. #Computing Definition%Source file - One which was "appropriated" from one of the competitors. #Computing Definition%Switch - When management changes its mind. #Graffiti%... it is predictable, but I wouldn't like to predict it myself. - C. Lawson #Graffiti%100,000 lemmings can't be wrong. #Graffiti%1948 - A novel for dyslexics by George Orwell. #Graffiti%A bank manager is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it start to rain. #Graffiti%A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. #Graffiti%A friend in need is a pain in the ass. #Graffiti%A man is as old as he feels. But never as important. #Graffiti%A man is as old as the woman he feels. #Graffiti%A phone call costs less than you think. Soon it'll cost more than you believe. #Graffiti%A sense of humour is the difference between ambition and achievement. #Graffiti%A seven day honeymoon makes one weak. #Graffiti%Absolute zero is cool. #Graffiti%Alas poor kiroY, I knew him backwards. #Graffiti%All that glitters is not gold. - All that doesn't glitter isn't either. #Graffiti%Always be sincere - Even when you don't mean it. #Graffiti%Always put the important before the merely urgent. #Graffiti%Always tell her she's pretty, especially when she isn't. #Graffiti%Always yield to temptation - it may never pass your way again. #Graffiti%Amnesia rules - O #Graffiti%An Australian lover is like a wombat :- he eats roots, shoots, and leaves. #Graffiti%An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. #Graffiti%An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less. #Graffiti%An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought. #Graffiti%Anarchists of the world unite ! #Graffiti%Anarchy, No rules - OK? #Graffiti%Anyone who can see through a woman is missing a lot. #Graffiti%Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist, ought to have his head examined. #Graffiti%Are you a schizo? - If so, that makes four of us. #Graffiti%Arsonists of the world, ignite! #Graffiti%Asking the boss for a rise may not be patriotic, but it will help the government with the extra tax if it comes off. #Graffiti%Assassination is an extreme form of censorship. #Graffiti%Australian foreplay - "Brace yerself Sheila." #Graffiti%Avoid life - It'll kill you in the end. #Graffiti%Be alert - your country needs lerts. #Graffiti%Be apathetic today. - I think I'll leave it till tomorrow. #Graffiti%Be creative, invent a perversion. #Graffiti%Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors - (and miss). #Graffiti%Blow your mind - smoke gunpowder. #Graffiti%Charity covers a multitude of sins, but curiosity soon uncovers them again. #Graffiti%Conscience is the little thing that tells you someone is sure to find out. #Graffiti%Constipation is the thief of time. #Graffiti%Dead people are cool. #Graffiti%Death is hereditary. #Graffiti%Definition of a prostitute - receiver of swollen goods. #Graffiti%Do to the other fellow as he would do unto you. But for God's sake do it first! #Graffiti%Don't Panic. #Graffiti%Don't Panic. Count to ten ... then Panic! #Graffiti%Don't Panic. The Earth is just being demolished for a hyperspace bypass. #Graffiti%Don't drink water, fish breed in it. #Graffiti%Dyslexia rules KO. #Graffiti%Dyslexics of the world untie ! #Graffiti%Einstein rules relatively OK - in theory anyway. #Graffiti%Every man reaps what he sows, except the amateur gardener. #Graffiti%Experience, the name given by men to their mistakes. #Graffiti%Get stoned - Drink liquid cement. #Graffiti%God is not dead - he just couldn't find a parking place. #Graffiti%Happiness can't buy money. #Graffiti%Have you read the Penguin Book of Quotations. (I never realised penguins had that much to say.) #Graffiti%Help preserve wildlife. Pickle a Squirrel today! #Graffiti%Heredity is the thing a child gets from the other side of the family. #Graffiti%How do the Japanese do it? Because we let them. #Graffiti%I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it by not dying. #Graffiti%I have a drink problem, I can't afford it. #Graffiti%I looked up my wife's family tree. Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it. #Graffiti%I used to be a schizophrenic, but now I'm lonely. #Graffiti%I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. #Graffiti%I'm immortal - so far. #Graffiti%If God had not meant us to write on walls, he would never have given us an example. #Graffiti%If a woman wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way. #Graffiti%Ironic isn't it, that God gave the tortoise a drag factor of 0.03. #Graffiti%Is there an imaginary cure for hypochondria? #Graffiti%It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics. #Graffiti%Jesus Saves - and Dalglish gets the rebound! #Graffiti%Jesus Saves - not on my salary he doesn't. #Graffiti%Jesus Saves - with the Woolwich. #Graffiti%Jesus Saves, Moses invests, but only Buddha pays dividends. #Graffiti%Join the army, travel the world, meet interesting people and shoot them. #Graffiti%Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. #Graffiti%Just when I was getting used to yesterday along came today. #Graffiti%Keep Britain tidy, shoot a tourist. #Graffiti%Laugh, and the world laughs with you. - Snore and you sleep alone. #Graffiti%Laugh, and the world thinks you are an idiot. #Graffiti%Life is a sexually transmitted disease. #Graffiti%Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. #Graffiti%Lord give me patience......But Hurry! #Graffiti%Love Thy Neighbour - But don't get caught. #Graffiti%Love is blind. And when you get married you get your eyesight back. #Graffiti%Make love, not war; get married and do both! #Graffiti%Marijuana is nature's way of saying "high". #Graffiti%Money can't buy friends but it can buy a better class of enemy. - Spike Milligan. #Graffiti%Money isn't everything. - It isn't even enough! #Graffiti%My wife wears rubber gear and whips me. Ohhhhh Kay! #Graffiti%Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them, and Psychiatrists charge them rent. #Graffiti%Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. #Graffiti%No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. #Graffiti%People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Neither should they nail up pictures. #Graffiti%Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination #Graffiti%Real Ale - reaches the parts Heineken daren't mention. #Graffiti%Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol. #Graffiti%Reality is for people who cannot cope with science fiction. #Graffiti%Reincarnation is making a comeback! #Graffiti%Sado-masochism means not having to say you're sorry. #Graffiti%Save trees, eat more beavers. #Graffiti%Say it with flowers - give her a triffid. #Graffiti%Smile - things may get worse more slowly. #Graffiti%Smoking - think of it as evolution in action. #Graffiti%Study art and logic - learn to draw your own conclusions. #Graffiti%Sudden prayers make God jump. #Graffiti%Support British steel - smelt the Iron Lady. #Graffiti%The Annuual Conference of Clairvoyants has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. #Graffiti%The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable. #Graffiti%The first three minutes of your life can be dangerous ... The last three can be pretty dodgy too! #Graffiti%The meek shall inherit the earth - in 6' x 2' plots. #Graffiti%The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. #Graffiti%The reason that people here get lost in thought is because it's such unfamiliar territory. #Graffiti%The road to success is usually under construction. #Graffiti%The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected. #Graffiti%We are the people our parents warned us about. #Graffiti%Welsh men only marry Welsh women because sheep can't cook. #Graffiti%When God shook the tree of life, all the nuts landed in California. #Graffiti%When faced with two evils I like to do the one I've never tried before. - Mae West #Rules of the game%1) You can't win. %2) You can't break even. %3) You can't even quit the game. #Rules of the game%A faithful car will continue to be faithful until the day you fit it with four brand new tyres, then it will fall apart. #Rules of the game%An authority is somebody who can tell you more about something than you really care to know. #Rules of the game%Any given program will expand to fill all available resources. #Rules of the game%Any given program, once running, is obsolete. #Rules of the game%Anything free is worth what you pay for it. #Rules of the game%Army Axiom: An order that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood. #Rules of the game%Army Law:%If it moves, salute it;%If it doesn't move, pick it up;%If you can't pick it up, paint it. #Rules of the game%Basic research is what I am doing when - I don't know what I am doing. #Rules of the game%Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. #Rules of the game%Don't force it, get a large hammer. #Rules of the game%Experiments should be reproducable, - they should all fail in the same way. #Rules of the game%Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. #Rules of the game%Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. #Rules of the game%First Law of Advice: The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired. #Rules of the game%Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. #Rules of the game%I have yet to see any problem, which, when you looked at it the right way, did not become still more complicated. #Rules of the game%If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. #Rules of the game%If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. #Rules of the game%If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. #Rules of the game%If at first you don't succeed, give up. #Rules of the game%If at first you don't succeed, blame the teacher. #Rules of the game%If at first you don't succeed, try something else. #Rules of the game%If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. #Rules of the game%If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it. #Rules of the game%If little else, the brain is an educational toy. - Tom Robbins #Rules of the game%If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it. #Rules of the game%If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand, somebody will. #Rules of the game%If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant. - Snoopy. #Rules of the game%If you want your name spelt wrong, die. #Rules of the game%In any household, junk accumulates to fill the storage space available. #Rules of the game%In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. #Rules of the game%Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. #Rules of the game%Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know. #Rules of the game%It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick something from the floor when you get up. #Rules of the game%It is better for civilisation to be going down the drain than to be coming up it. #Rules of the game%It works better when you turn the brightness up. #Rules of the game%Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do it. #Rules of the game%Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life. #Rules of the game%Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. #Rules of the game%Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. #Rules of the game%Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks. #Rules of the game%Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think. #Rules of the game%Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. #Rules of the game%Murphy's Third Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time. #Rules of the game%Negative slack tends to increase. #Rules of the game%Never go to a doctor who's office plants have died. #Rules of the game%Next to surviving an earthquake, nothing is quite so satisfying as as receiving a income tax refund #Rules of the game%Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. #Rules of the game%Old age is always 15 years older than I am. #Rules of the game%On a beautiful day like this, it is hard to believe that anyone can be unhappy - but we're working on it. #Rules of the game%Parkinson's First Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. #Rules of the game%Parkinson's Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income. #Rules of the game%Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you. #Rules of the game%Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. #Rules of the game%Pros are people who do jobs well even when they don't feel like it #Rules of the game%Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the restraining speed. #Rules of the game%The Law of Selective Gravity (The Buttered Side Down Law): An object will fall so as to do the most damage. #Rules of the game%The chief cause of problems is solutions. #Rules of the game%The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where highest overtime rates lie waiting. #Rules of the game%The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep. #Rules of the game%The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability. #Rules of the game%The usefulness of a meeting is inversely proportional to its attendance. #Rules of the game%There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. #Rules of the game%Two wrongs do not make a right; it usually takes three or more. #Rules of the game%Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases. #Rules of the game%Variables won't; constants aren't. #Rules of the game%When all else fails, read the manual. #Rules of the game%When things are going well, somebody will experiment detrimentally. #Rules of the game%When you try to make an impression, the chances are that that is the impression you will make. #Rules of the game%When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. #Rules of the game%Why can't lifes's big problems come when we are twenty and know everything ? #Rules of the game%You always find something in the last place you look. #Rules of the game%You can get ANYWHERE in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. #Rules of the game%You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. #Another ingredient for a happy marriage:%Budget the luxuries first ! #Another ingredient for a happy marriage:%In a family argument, if it turns out you are right - apologise at once! #To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. #Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honour, make him pay cash. #Waking a person unnecessary should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offence, that is. #A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank." #Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful - just stupid.) #Anything free is worth what you pay for it. #A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. #Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. #We, my Lords, may thank Heaven that we have something better than out brains to depend on. (Lord Chesterfield to the House of Lords) #In the beginning was the word - and the word was four bytes. (from the bible?) #Wars are not fought to decide who is right - only who is left. #To err is human - To really foul things up requires computers. #When I am right nobody remembers... When I am wrong nobody forgets! #If you can't tie good knots... tie many. #A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. #What you can not avoid, Welcome. #Yesterday's a memory%Tomorrow's a vision%Today's a bitch #It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. - Samual Clemmens #Money wouldn't be so important if everybody didn't want some. #TO DO IS TO BE - Socrates%TO BE IS TO DO - Sartre%DO BE DO BE DO - Sinatra #Walk softly but carry a big stick. #A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain. #When a finger points at the moon, the imbecile looks at the finger. #Live fast, Die young, Leave a good looking corpse. 
